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To tweet or not to tweet

BVNW’s resident Twitter expert helps you know what you shouldn’t tweet about.

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To tweet or not to tweet

Gabe Swartz, Staff Writer

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*Opens up Twitter*

*Sees dumb tweet*

*Closes twitter*

Many times, I have opened up Twitter and, to my displeasure, seen an abundance of tweets that just make me want to say SMH.’ This problem seems to be a very common occurrence, and as a self-proclaimed Twitter genius, I’m here to help you. After seeing the common mistakes of the general public, I decided to inform the uneducated by giving a lesson on a few of the nuances of Twitter. Here are a list of five situations built around various hypothetical twitter users. Now, if you read this carefully, you will be prepared for any tempting situation and be able to determine something Shakespeare never had to: to tweet or not to tweet?

1. The unhappy Starbucks customer

 

It’s 8:15 on a late arrival Thursday morning, as you stroll into a nearby Starbucks. After a long wait, you get to the front of the line and order your latte. After what seems to be an eternity, your drink is finally ready. When your latte comes back, the order was totally messed up and to top it all off they even misspelled your name. Now before you open your twitter app and send that all caps tweet, remember everyone has gone through what you are experiencing at that moment. We’ve all bitten into that burger with mustard that we specifically asked to be left off. Just know: other people understand your problem also, but they don’t care for your all caps tweet expressing your displeasure with Starbucks.

2. The selfie addict

You are sitting at home on your couch with your dog, binge watching your favorite Netflix series. You love your dog so much that you decide to take your daily selfie with the furry, friendly creature. Now before you post that selfie, just consider how many people will be saddened by seeing this. Think about all the people that have the simple wish of having a furry feline friend, and by posting such a picture you would contribute to the growing worldwide problem of jealousy. As long as you have no problem contributing to that growing issue, by all means, tweet a picture of your dog every day. Although if it is National Dog Day–which is Aug. 26 next year in case you were wondering–no one will be mad at you for sharing your love for your dog with the world.

3. The informative fantasy owner

It’s a crisp Sunday in late October, and your fantasy football team lost another close game–this time to that one guy in your league that does not set his lineup. You ended up losing by one point, all because Jamaal Charles decided to tear his ACL.  Now there are two reasons for you not to send a tweet. First of all, nobody wants to hear about your fantasy team, despite what you might think. And no matter what you might believe, Jamaal Charles didn’t personally decide to screw your team this week, no matter what you might think. So next time, instead of voicing your disappointment in your team, call the national fantasy football hotline, 1-800-HELP-MY-TEAM.  

4. The excessive sharer

It’s the middle of the summer and you are at home in your bed and you do not want to get up out of bed. The only thing that tempts you to head downstairs is the little voice from the hot pockets in the fridge chanting for you to come eat them. Although the decision of whether or not to get out of bed might seem like a serious issue in your life at that moment, it is not newsworthy information that people on Twitter want to hear about. People do want to hear your thoughts and opinions, but they don’t really care for your up to the minute alerts about your voyage to the fridge downstairs. If someone could read your whole life’s biography through your Twitter timeline, then you might need to double check whether or not your tweets are valuable, or if they are just too much information.

5. The NFL “expert”

It’s super bowl Sunday and you are extremely excited about the big game. You have the nachos, chicken wings, and guacamole – basically Thanksgiving 2.0. As the game begins, you start live tweeting your “expert analysis” of the game. What you might not understand is that everyone is watching the exact same game as you. Until you become the next great football analyst for ESPN, please do not live tweet a major sporting event that everyone is watching. We all can see what is going on for ourselves and if we can’t, we would rather hear about it from the real experts – not you. Then again, if another left shark incident at halftime occurs, feel free to create your own hilarious meme, because if everybody is doing it then you might as well join the party.

Now that you’ve finished studying these tough situations, you are officially prepared for any situation. Although I am not a doctor (just a self-proclaimed Twitter genius), I will say this: If these are common occurrences for you – the constant urge to tweet, the feeling of letting your followers down – just know that my prescription for you is that sometimes less is more.

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To tweet or not to tweet