Long hair. Leggings. Game Day shirt.

I’m a sophomore and I’m at a Friday night varsity basketball game.

I stand cheering with my peers, verbalizing the excitement and disappointment that goes along with high school sports. My cheers aren’t real, though. I look to the scoreboard throughout the game, waiting for the end to escape the Pound and return to my friend’s house.

I’m a sophomore, I’m 15 years old and I don’t know who I am.

A tragic high school mistake is confusing the pursuit of acceptance with the pursuit of happiness. It’s possible to be well liked without liking yourself. It’s possible to be comfortable in a group without being comfortable in your own skin.

Eventually, my long hair was cut, my leggings wore out and my Game Day shirt migrated to the back of my closet. More abstract transformations took place in the meantime. My eyes stopped looking to copy my peers’ clothing, my mind stopped checking for normalcy in my words and actions and my mouth stopped saying ingenuine things solely to fit someone else’s frame of who I should be.

After 17 years of living, I’ve become comfortable doing things differently for my own benefit, and I haven’t been happier. I’m comfortable avoiding repetitive conversation in the locker area each morning, I’m comfortable wearing the same two pairs of shoes all the time and I’m comfortable staying in some Friday nights to decompress from my weekly endeavors.

Sometimes it’s really hard to choose to go against the grain for your own sake, but being true to yourself is a lot healthier than being true to what other people think you should be. It’s weird seeing other people do “normal” high school things, but it’s even weirder to be willingly doing things that aren’t fun for you. Finding what you love and who you love will come when you’re completely and totally yourself, regardless of how unordinary you may be.

Now, I wear my hair short. I wear jeans and a button-down.

I don’t need a friend to walk to and from every class with. I’m fine with being alone and I’m also fine with being around other people. I’ve quit activities, I’ve stopped relying on my peers to define who I am and I’ve ditched the image of who I thought I was supposed to be.

I’m a senior, I’m 17 years old and I’m proud to know who I am.